Miscellaneous Forum

Hey VTers,

I know this isn't the usual question in this forum, but somehow i don't have anyone else to share my problems with. Have any of your ever encountered serious illness in your family? My father has been diagnosed with cancer last month and we were told he has maximum few months to live. It was all so sudden, and i'm still in some state of shock and disbelief. My emotions go from crying to rage, but for my mother and brother's sake i always maintain composed attitude. I feel i can't share my grief with my mother because i don't want to burden her even more then she already is. I feel alone and so helpless at times, so if any of you have any words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks

moja majka je 1993 umrla od raka kad je meni bilo 18 godina. znam kako ti je i zao mi je.

I am sorry to hear about your father. One of my best friends lost her mum to cancer several years ago. It was extremely sudden, she was diagnosed only 3 months before she passed away and this friend also experienced (still experiences) the shock, anger and grief. Despite having quite a strong support group she found that a cancer helpline (maybe ask at the doctors/hospital or just google your countries cancer foundation or cancer council) was one of the keys to allowing her to hang in there and share her emotions with impartial people who had been through similar situations. Whilst I understand you not wanting to burden you mother sharing some grief with your family might allow all of you to feel not so alone.

I am so sorry. Yes, I have been through similar but I have no words of wisdom. It is incredibly hard. You will feel alone and helpless, angry and despairing: that is normal. You are already grieving. Try to be gentle with yourself.

If you can find a friend in reality to talk with, to let out your emotions, it does help.

<I feel i can't share my grief with my mother because i don't want to burden her even more then she already is.>

She probably is feeling the same way as you, who else but your Mother can you share your feelings with? She, like you, needs a shoulder to cry on.

I am so sorry to hear about your father. I think it's important for you to be able to get your feelings out. Maybe you can join a support group for family members in similar situation? The hospital may be able to recommend a group or you may be able to find one through a local community. Spend as much time with your father as you can - talking or just being there with him.

donna, unfortunately such things dont exist in serbia.

I agree with Donna's ideas. I don't know what to say at the moment. A virtual hug from me!

Thank you all for your kind words. Like Keti said, family support groups unfortunately don't exist in Serbia. I work at the same hospital where my father is right now, so that way i can often go (during work hours)and spend some time with him.

Good plan Andrea. Spend as much time with him as you can. What you are feeling is perfectly natural. Disbelief, shock, anger, it's all part of the grieving process. There are five steps to help you through the grieving. Add crying then acceptance and resolution. Dying is part of life and we all have to go through it, I am very sorry that this has happened to you and your father, brother and mother. The cancer is affecting you all and you are all feeling lonely and upset. It is normal to cry either alone or with your parents and brother and funnily enough, it brings you all closer together. If your dad hasn't already done so, you might like to find out what his final wishes are so that you can assure him that it will be taken care of with love.

Your mum needs to be able to talk as well, so although you are being brave about it all, she needs to cry with you, her only daughter. I am sorry that Serbia does not have support groups, but you can support your family and they you and I feel sure that the VT community will support you with words and comfort. Please feel free to email me at any time.

Dear Andrea, my heart goes out to you right now. It is just soooo heartbreaking in this situation. The shock. Difficult to take it all in. Now there isn't a right way or a wrong way to go about things. No manual to refer to, but...
My daughter and I were in a similar situation five years ago. Same with the diagnosis and 'the few months' left, so I can only relate to you my experience (and on reflection how my attitude changed tomy daughters actions at the time). When it became clear that the illness was beginning to debilitate my husband, my daughter sent him a letter. (shoved it through the letterbox). In it she described to her Dad how much she thought of him, how she would miss him and what she would miss after his demise. . I was very annoyed at this letter because it made the situation tooo real for me (hubby and I didn't discuss his mortality), and I couldn't bear the emotions my husband expressed as a result of reading this letter.
Now I realise it was such the best thing to do - for her - and for her dad and that I was very selfish at the time. So, whatever you feel in your head - say it, write it, in whichever way, but let your folks know how you feel.
Big hugs
lotsa luv
Oxy

I, too. offer my sympathies to you and your family. I do know how difficult this is for you to deal with, especially as you feel so alone.

You said, "Like Keti said, family support groups unfortunately don't exist in Serbia." So, I wondered, why you can't organize one yourself? I'm sure there are lots of other people going through this or similar, who would like to have some sort of support group to join.

It may take a bit of your time, but sometimes having something like this to focus on is therapeutic too.

Hi Andrea and like everyone else, I'm sorry to hear of your bad news. I had a look at your home page to try and gauge your age - certainly a lot younger than I am at 65.

Last year I lost my father who was 87 and lived on the other side of Australia. My brother and I went over and spent some 11 days with him as we'd been told he only had a short time - but he defied the doctors and lived on another month. During the time we were over there spending time with him and watching him lapse in and out of knowing what was going on, we thought he was going to "go" any time. One of the other patients in the nursing home asked me to see her privately - which I readily agreed to do so. She passed on a tip from a time when one of her relatives was sliding, yet coming back, then sliding again.

I know there is an age difference between you and I and therefore a wider gap between your fathers age and my dads age when he died, but if this helps I pass on from my self appointed guardian angel that lady at the nursing home in Perth - "Go first to your brother and step sister and if they agree then each of you go to your father and tell him that you give him full permission to pass away in the full knowledge that all will be taken care of."

We discussed this together and then asked to see dads minister of religion. He agreed it was a good idea for all of us and joined us in a bed side ceremony. Then he asked to be left alone with my dad for a few minutes.

After the minister had left we trooped into dads room and he was holding a very ornate crucifix and he told us he'd pinched (stolen) it from the minister. Mortified at the "crime" I immediately rang the minister on his mobile and asked if he'd lost anything. He said he had everything, so I told him of dads "confession." Immediately the minister laughed and told me he'd lent the crucifix to him - my dad was quite famous for his practical jokes right to the end.

Please Andrea keep your own spirits up and try very hard to "keep it all together"

Good luck in a very difficult time.

I also am so sorry Andrea. Spend as much time as you can with him and tell him often how much you love him. Like Ricky said, I think if you could, you should share your feelings with the rest of our family. They need you and you need them. A support group within the hospital where you work would be a wonderful thing to start and help a number of folks in the same position as you are in.
Through all of this, be good to yourself.

Sometimes it gives a parent courage when they can help a child be strong. I know that doesn't sound logical, but it is true. Mom's often forget their own grief when they see a child suffering. Let your mother help you.

Also be grateful you have the 3 months and make the most out of it. What if it had been only 3 days? Look at what you have instead of what is being taken.

I am really sorry for your trouble.

I too am really sorry to read this and I would take your pain away if I could...

be together as a family and say all the things you meant to say but never did...

be strong for each other but also be honest...sometimes too much is too much and you must either be alone for a few minutes or you must scream and yell...get it out there...make the most of this time and agree to meet up later on...

Hello Andrea,

Like the others, I would like to tell you I'm sorry to learn this news.

Much good advice so far. If you don't have in-person support groups in Serbia, maybe you can find one online. Also, you can share what you wish with your friends here, as you're reaching out now, either in the forum or through private emails with people you feel comfortable with.

We lost my sister-in-law, a beautiful and caring wife and mother, to cancer three years ago. She was 47. I am no expert, but I can offer you a (virtual) shoulder, if you need it.

Ryan

So sorry to hear about this, Andrea. I hope you take care of yourself right now.

So sorry to read of your sadness Andrea. All of the emotions you describe are so very, very normal.
You see the world carrying on as normal, people going about their everyday lives and laughing while inside you are crying, and wanting to shout at them to shut up! Don't be afraid to talk to your Dad. He may be afraid, sad and angry too, but feel he cannot share these feeling with his family.
Hug him and tell him you love him. You are lucky to have the chance to do this.

If you can find the time to set aside, I think the idea of starting some support group is an excellent one. It could be as simple as a coffee morning/afternoon/hour, advertised on the notice board at the hospital oncology department or in your local area. Just let people know that nobody has "professional" skills, that it is just about lending an ear to those who wish to share. It might be good for you too, to have a focus on something like this.

There are no words really

And there's no formula to dealing and coping well with tragedy which one experiences...that is and will be there to be experienced by all

We deal with it as best we can in order that we can move on...otherwise one starts dying oneself in quick increments even before one's own time

Keep strong and look towards light

We had precisely the same situation few years ago. In addition to that we lived far away from each other and compared with where my father was (H****y) - Serbia can be described as a relatively decent place.

Bribes to medical personal... completely inept and corrupt doctors... hospitals which can be described as butcheries - unless you have an American citizenship and carry your passport (for your dad) around like a flag.

In any case, my dad was probably "lucky" - he got a very decent treatment (but not before they learned about his son being American!) - and ultimately passed away due an unrelated stroke. The cancer itself was one of the deadliest if not the deadliest (pancreatic).

I could not be with my father in last minutes - I was in the airplane over Atlantic.

So I am fully with you, girl.... and nope, there is no organization here to help people to deal with such things either.... I am glad, we weren't robbed out of our belongings by the tricks of the H***n government and it did not happen only because we were vigilant.

I am very sorry to hear about your father.
I just want to say you, don't try to be strong, be yourself and try to show your love to your father and mother as well. Talk to them as much as you can, don't hide your emotions. Your father probably also knows his prognoses, but he must be also afraid to talk out his emotions not to make you feel worse. Maybe it is a good idea to ask your father what he would like at this time... To meet someone, to write to someone, to fix inheritance things, etc... Just try to help him with his plans, so that he can feel he did everything he had to do..

likewise my dughter couldn't be with her father at the end - she was stuck in Heathrow airport.
btw my alter ego (much missed) had pancreatic cancer. It works silently through the body not showing any symptoms until it is too late.
My doctor says that this very aggressive cancer is on the increase and it is not known why.

It's normal to feel all the things you feel! When you are feeling awful, just go to a private place to cry and scream. Talk to friends who are removed from the situation might make you feel better. I lost my father to cancer a couple of years ago. It was extremely difficult but death is something all of us have to cope with at some point in life, so just do the best you can. Take care of yourself first before you try to take care of other family members.

just to add that next week my daughter is doing a bike ride from Edinburgh to Paris for charity. Cycling up the Champs Elysee is the culmination of the journey, and she will be thinking of her dad who also was a keen cyclist, ALWAYS keeping track of the Tour de France on telly. One of the last holidays we had took us to the Pyrenees and drove on the route of the TDF of that year. What a thrill!!

>>>Don't be afraid to talk to your Dad. He may be afraid, sad and angry too, but feel he cannot share these feeling with his family.

Andrea, this could very well be the case.

About seventeen years ago, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. The doctors said it was in the last stage and I had about six months to live.

Of course it was a devastating time for me and my whole family.

One thing that was very difficult for me in the early days was that my family tried to stay so positive for me all the time. Not only that, they read every bit written about my cancer and searched for cures.

That truly was the most difficult aspect for me to deal with.

I am not a negative person at all, but felt that it would be a waste of the time I had left to frantically hang on to "hope." I needed to come to terms with my own mortality. I needed to accept my pending death so I could accept it and live the rest of my days FREELY.

Instead, I had to face my family's "strength" with grace while knowing the pain they would ultimately feel at the end. That was so hard.

Make sure you spend what ever time you have left with your father, telling him all the things you want him to know.

Oh Honey, I'm so sorry.

Last year at this time, I was in Florida taking care of my grandma after she was diagnosed with lung cancer; at this point in the process, she had decided to start hospice care, as opposed to continuing radiation.

Trust me when I say your mom probably won't feel it's a burden if you talk to her. Even if all you can handle is a big hug and you both start crying - that's a natural emotion that you need to get out.

I don't know how close your immediate family is, but if you get along relatively well, lean on each other and any near-immediate relatives (aunts, uncles, whomever your family is closest to). I got to spend a lot of time with members of my family that I hadn't seen in years as they started coming to check on my grandma, and as long as she didn't feel she had to entertain them (or could have me do it) - for instance, if they stayed at a hotel or had something else to do while they were in town - it was just a really nice opportunity to hear some family stories. Lean on each other - it will cut down on the feelings of loneliness.

Meet everyone who's taking care of your dad and get all the necessary paperwork taken care of while he's still healthy, and have a few possibly very awkward conversations about decisions he might want made if he's too ill to make them. Try to think of every possible situation, explore your dad's insurance policy and figure out what options you'd want to pursue if one thing happens and what you'd want the back-up to be. Keep notes of everything the doctors tell you, all the medications, everything, so if something happens you have everything available. I wound up taking my grandma to the ER twice, at the hospital that was treating her, and after realizing the first time they weren't sophisticated enough to have her medications on file, even though they had prescribed them, I made sure the next time we went I could list everything.

That should help cut down on feeling powerless. Really, your best friend is going to be information.

And (warning, this will probably make you cry, as it did me, but it might help make a few of the more uncomfortable conversations easier to start) read this: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande

majhong

"explore your dad's insurance policy"

OMG, girl, not sure about Serbia - bit you should come to Hungary as non-tourist. :(

gyuri, no such insurance policies either..there are some, but its not really common.

The engines in Hungary and Serbia are of course dead long ago - we are behind you just because you had stronger engines during Tito and obviously what remains is still kind of moving little bit forward by inertness. We are moving backwards in the mean time but don't worry, we will see you soon. :(

I really do not know what to say to the kids- all that was an immerse culture shock for them. But sure, they learned one thing or an other.

The other thing was/is the subject I sent you an e-mail today. They are true Silicon Valley kids - and just can't get amused enough about that cr*p.